Size Matters
by Drunken Boxer
Summary: AU, OOC, no spoilers, but hopefully hilarious. Join Harry, Ron, Malfoy and Snape on an...interesting journey of enlightenment as they discuss the all important question: does size matter?


Disclaimer: I am not JK Rowling, but merely making her characters say rather indecent yet hopefully funny things.

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"I still say mine is the best," Harry Potter's voice drifted through the closed door of an unused classroom near the Great Hall. 

"Yours?" was Ron Weasley's disbelieving reply. "Mine is three inches longer than yours! And everyone knows the longer the better."

"Not true," drawled the unmistakable voice of Draco Malfoy. "It's the quality, not the length that matters most."

"You're just saying that because yours is a full inch smaller than Harry's!" Ron retorted.

Snape's silky baritone cut through their disagreement, "I believe mine is both the longest as well as the superior of all those present."

"I don't think so, Professor," came Harry's cheeky reply, "yours is much too long. Doesn't that make it difficult to handle?"

"If you were as good at quidditch as you are observant, Mr. Potter, Slytherin would easily defeat Gryffindor. As for the length of mine, you will notice that it is in direct proportion to my height, therefore it is neither too long, nor too short. And of perfect width, I might add."

Harry was silent as he tried to work out the backhanded compliment as well as all the jargon Snape had spewed about length, width, and proportion to one's height.

"Yours is too skinny anyway, Malfoy," Ron interrupted in an attempt to draw the conversation back to belittling Draco.

"I beg your pardon?" Draco said haughtily. "Mine is completely satisfactory; everyone says so, even Pansy, and we all know how hard she is to please. Besides, if mine is too skinny, then yours is far too thick. How can anyone be happy with one so wide?"

"It is _not_ too wide!" Ron shot back. "Hermione seems to be quite happy with mine, and _she _would know better than you!"

"Really?" Snape almost purred. "And how would Ms. Granger be so knowledgeable about such a subject?"

"How could she not be?" Harry asked, having finally come out of his deliberating daze. "There are loads of books all about them that she's probably read. And she's seen enough to be able to make good judgments."

Draco laughed. "How did Granger manage to see so many? Who would willingly show his to her?"

"I would, and so would Harry," replied Ron a bit snidely. "She sees mine everyday, _and_ she admires it. I've seen the look on her face as she gazes at mine."

"I've noticed young Ms. Weasley marveling at mine, even when it is not in sight. I have no doubt that she would very much like to handle it herself, though I allow no one but myself to even touch mine," Snape broke the flow of the conversation as if he felt the need to interject boastful, self-reassuring comments about the exceptional qualities of his.

Unbeknownst to the four in the classroom, a small crowd had gathered outside the door and was listening intently to the rather odd conversation taking place within. Many of the girls were blushing furiously – especially Hermione Granger and Ginny Weasley – and the boys were smirking into their hands.

"Maybe we ought to let Dumbledore decide," Harry's voice floated through the door to the assembled crowd. "He'll know whose is best and whether size matters at all."

Draco pushed the door open and the four of them walked out to an uproariously laughing mass. Suddenly as one, they all realised how their conversation could be interpreted if one did not know what they were discussing. The three boys blushed deep red and the Potions Master's cheeks gained a small bit of dull flush.

"Wands! We were talking about our wands!"

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Inspired by a certain line from chapter twenty-one of Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows (points to whoever can tell me which line!). This is my first attempt at humour since my Schools of Magic Convention a good few years ago and I'd greatly appreciate any feedback. Hope you laughed, or at least smiled. 


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